David Friedman changed my life

I ranted and rambled about going back to college enough for you to notice that I have gone back to college. The classes can be long, the yawns can come and sometimes all I want is to die... I don't though. It's just my go-to cop out. Suicide ideation reigns through my days still.

Not two weeks into classes I started skipping for work. I was hired to design lights on a show entitled "Listen to my Heart : the songs of David Friedman". Friedman's compositions resounded through the auditorium and resonated perfectly within my skull. Anything from "I wanna be rich" to "Please, don't feed me" spilled from my lips constantly in the following days. A song called "Catch me" became my anthem, filling me with tears whenever I sang along.

"Catch me - don't let me fall in the river,

Don't let me drown in the water,

Don't let me drift in the tide."

The important thing, however, is to ask for that help. My friend's mom used to say "If you don't ask you won't receive" and she's completely right. The reaction to Catch Me is a fantastic song which I soon turned to, I Can Hold You.

"This song is just for you, no one else can hear.

Nobody's listening, no one else is near.

The pain you're going through only I can see

'Cause I'm so close to you, you're a part of me.

I can hold you, I can take you in my arms

Let you know I understand and that I always will be there

And when I hold you, though I can't keep you from harm

I can love you, I can listen, I can care.

I can hold you through the darkness and despair.

I see you crying for all the years you've lost,

For all that might have been and all those years have cost.

Alone you've tried and tried but still the pain goes on

But I'll be by your side until the pain is gone.

I can hold you 'til the sorrow goes away,

'Til the tears are cried, the wound is healed, the past is in the past

And when I hold you surely there will come a day

When it's better, when it's different, when you're free

I can hold you and it's gonna change you'll see.

For though you think that hope has died and all your dreams are gone

I know that somewhere locked inside your spirit still lives on.

Your heart is so afraid to care, afraid that there'll be no one there

But here I am and I swear I'm not going anywhere.

I can hold you, take a chance and let me in

Let me show you you can win as you have never won before

'Cause when I hold you then the healing can begin

And the love that you've been holding back can grow

I can hold you and I'll never let you go.

Through the sadness and the tears,

Through the longing and the fears,

If it takes a hundred years...

I can hold you."

All of that is true, say it to yourself. If you need help ask for it (and that goes to my buddy with the dislocated rib). Love to you all, I wish you all the best for the holidays. xo

He did not rape me, I never said he did

"Rape" is such a playground joke until you've been affected by it. The purity of proximity and intensity of fun are stolen away by somebody's lust or malicious behaviour to leave you broken. The culprit never receives the blame, either. I've never met a victim who has not blamed both themselves and a friend (for not protecting them) at some point in their journey. There's a scar it leaves you with, too, that shows itself in a form of fear called hyper-vigilance. This is a sort of paranoia that comes into play with any trigger such as location, new partners, jokes made in poor taste etc.

Any of you who have read my previous posts know well that I am not a fan of the R word, I hardly ever use it even in the right context. It donates a victimisation that I don't desire and counts me among statistics. This is why it has come as a great surprise to me that rumours have circulated in college about me crying wolf.

The event in question was, as he eloquently put it, "a drunken indiscretion". He was a creep and there is no denying that but still the blunder was a duet that I allowed myself to be a part of and although I was embarrassed, that is not what rape is. For seven weeks it circulated (unbeknownst to me) that I was making rape allegations against this should-be-man. I was aware that something was going on behind my back but due to the age gap between myself and my class mates I had put it down to petty drama. Now, there's another larger reason I 'diminutised' the issue, I considered myself paranoid. The guy from New Years Eve last has moved to my street - not to be near me but to be with family - and it really threw me off. 

You spend a lot of time in a college, especially in the sort of theatre world I live in. I took every module of the term so my contact hours were close to that of a full-time job. It's hard to continue those hours when you learn that they think only that much of you. No one thought to ask was I okay, that was the troubling thing. If I had been raped by a class mate I would need to be asked was I okay and told that everyone knew. If I was making things up I should have been asked did I say it had happened and, unless I'm greatly mistaken, that means I'm seriously screwed up and someone should probably ask if I am okay. I was not raped, nor did I say I had been and so, in spreading the lies that I was falsely accusing a "man" of rape, I have been bullied. 

Well I swear I've lost the last drop of whatever kept me awake alive

Well I fell in the Forth from a heavy right hook

To a blushed and swollen face

And in a single blow it's murdered and then it takes years to waste away

- Boxing Night, Frightened Rabbit

I don't know who figured I was worth treating that way but I'm not too bothered that they exist anymore. There are a handful of people there who have my back now and I'm glad of them... But that's it. Everything is said behind closed doors. Nothing has been officially addressed. All there is left to do is be better than them and I am. Don't let assholes and lies eat you up, you're better than that.

depressivedetails@gmail.com 

Modern Way

I know 'cos I've seen it,

It was great and I want it.

There's no point in sitting

Going crazy on my own...

Do you know what I mean? Happiness. What is the value of happiness to you? My new found therapist asked me this and I said it was priceless... I later told him about being robbed on a work night out, how I cried even though all they took was my phone. He responded "If happiness is priceless why have you given it away for a €90 phone?". I had no answer. 

I have been happy before. I know exactly how it tastes. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to replicate some exquisite recipe that an ancient master chef had created and I just wind up with it being too bitter every time. I'm at a point in my career where I shouldn't take free work but I do because I want to do something and I inevitably lose happiness for free. And still... There's no point in sitting going crazy on my own.

Do you know what

I was put here in this world for?

Could you tell me

In three words or more?

It's the only way of getting out of here.

I really hope it was theatre or blogging. Maybe one day I could be the ultimate online theatre critic? Not Miserable sounds through my speakers now... My mind flies to the need for a tattoo. I want to cover all of my scars. I need to feel better. I need to get the hell out of here. 

Advice flies from every corner. People chime "I hope it's helping" and "I bet you feel better" but I can't perfect this recipe. What the fuck am I missing? My therapist says you shouldn't give advice until it's asked for but I'm asking now: What are the ingredients to happiness?

Take a lesson

From the ones who have been there.

My brain is not damaged

But in need of some repair.

Hold on to the basics

But we can change all our tactics.

There's no point in sitting

Going crazy on my own.

It's the only way of getting out of here.

It's the only way of getting out of here.

Let's recap: Healthy eating, puppy cuddles, loving family, listening friends, exercise, three year plan... How do I repair my brain? Can it be as simple as covering my scars, changing my bed and sharing my story? Is there some cocktail of drugs that could aid this recovery? My mother says to fake it 'til I make it... I've faked it for a decade. This is taking too long. Is there a microwavable version? Can I get a doggy-bag of this happiness dish?

This is the modern way

Of faking it everyday

And taking it as we come

And we're not the only ones

Is that what we used to say?

'This is the modern way'?

That can't be right. It can't be that dismissive. I need something authentic.

I know where I'm going

And that we are in the knowing

And I will stop at nothing

Just to get what I want...

It's the only way of getting out of here.

That's the key. I will stop at nothing just to get what I want. Have you ever watched anything by Jim Henson? You must have. He's responsible for the whole world I live in. The Muppets, Fraggle Rock, Labyrinth and Sesame Street are all his creations. His company made the puppets used at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, too. There's a line near the end of The Muppet Movie where his closest puppet, Kermit (Sam & Friends, The Muppets), says to the bad guy "Yeah, well I've got a dream too but it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream and it kind of makes us like a family." I like to think that line is straight from Henson's mouth, he created the world that I want to live in. I think we should jump on that band wagon of making people happy, maybe that's the key of unlocking our own.

I'm not saying to give up on therapy or whatever prescription you're on but I think, ultimately, we can live with the idea that the world is full of good people and if you can't find one you should be one. Smile and the whole world smiles with you kind of life.

It's the only way of getting out of here.

-Modern Way, Kaiser Chiefs

depressivedetails@gmail.com

The Road Eventually Taken

Pieta House is a fantastic service in Ireland that works for suicide prevention. They've taken me on to help me and for this I am eternally grateful. My darling Kay talked me into calling them so after I googled them and made JJ phone he sat on Skype to me while I made the call and the two became my next of kin contacts. The assessment was hard, I cried a lot. She asked a lot about self harm and suicidal desires throughout my life. When it was done she said I needed their help. Before I'd left the building they offered me a 'hold over' which provides twice-weekly sessions of self-care building until a counsellor is available for me to see regularly.

After two hold over sessions they arranged for me to see a therapist. During this time I had begun physiotherapy on my neck and shoulders hoping to bring release of tension to end my headaches and start sleeping. Unfortunately this meant lying in a physio room topless while a stranger stood over me - behind me - completely in control. It shouldn't have surprised me that I cried but it did anyway. I was scared.

The therapist asked a little about my life but mostly gave me pointers on survival. He recommended books and taught me how to focus on the present instead of the horror I foresaw and remembered. "The moment" he told me "is usually not so bad".

Around the third session I was entirely convinced I was pregnant. I felt sick a lot and was having dizzy spells which sometimes impaired my vision significantly. My headaches grew to body aches and I constantly needed sleep that never came. I started to get cramps without blood, I was sure I was gonna be a parent. This plagued me for two weeks before someone told me that they couldn't help if they didn't know what was wrong... Within a day I discovered I wasn't and was so glad to have somebody to share that with.

After four sessions with the therapist it whittled down to once a week. The first week felt like a month. The world is crashing around me and I'm reliving childhood trauma multiple times a day. I'm scared.

"I'm so nervous, I'm so tense.
My heart can't forget about this self defense.
The air is so hot and my breath comes fast.
I thumb the cool blade but I know it can't last."
- Shadow Stabbing, Cake

It can't last. Nothing can. Some things can outlast you, that's all. Don't let this be one of them. Don't let depression win 'cause it doesn't deserve to. You do.

Let's win together.
depressivedetails@gmail.com

Wasted Years

Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it 'til it's

gone away

And my heart is lying there and will be 'til my

dying day

- Wasted Years, Iron Maiden

I'm not so good at talking about my feelings until they're overflowing and I become incoherent as I choke on tears. In all of the living and breaking I've done I'm quiet after I give the facts. The feelings I talk about are desperate, immediate. Emotions of surging love, fatal fleeing or abhorrent terror come to the fore allowing anger, inadequacy and loneliness to fall silently. I seek help and never use it to potential. I exist only to survive each moment as it comes, never to enjoy or expect a future. This pattern becomes apparent when I look at the list of therapists I've seen in my life and the reasons I chose to leave them. Now, here I am desperate for resolve and still unwilling to take the hand of a new professional based on the shortcomings of another. I don't feel ready to talk.

I wish I'd done things differently. I wish I'd allowed people to help me when I had darling mummy to pay the fees. If I had utilised my assets I would have so much less baggage to drag across town. The problem is I've never been able to talk. I've always lived in fear that someone would say "No, that's not rape." or "That's not abusive." - for someone to put me at fault in all of my problems. The fact that I've never again encountered one of my old therapists makes me wish I'd faced those fears and lived then, maybe I'd be less broken now. Thinking is bad for me.

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind

Can't ease this pain, so easily

When you can't find the words to say it's hard to

make it through another day

And it makes me wanna cry and throw my

hands up to the sky

With every day that passes me I wish I'd started something sooner. Right now I wish I'd told my best friend a lot more details. I wish I had ripped off the plaster and let my wounds breath. When will I have a day when I think I've done enough? That I've loved hard enough and taken enough chances and made a real difference to just one moment in time... Even to me.

So understand

Don't waste your time always searching for

those wasted years

Face up... make your stand

And realise you're living in the golden years

Tomorrow JJ will bring me to an appointment with a counsellor to try to find appropriate help for my sickness and give me some kind of future. I don't want to go. I'm too scared to talk - it's too late to change... But this is do or die.

I do.

depressivedetails@gmail.com

A Short Note on Improvement

Sometimes I wonder to myself how I could possibly still be so sick. I consider where I am now and where I was a year ago - what has changed? It doesn't feel as though anything is better. I still feel sad all the time and scared all the time and I still need a lot of attention. Progress is slow, very slow, and recovery seems non-existent in the middle of it all. Health can be pejorative. I've had very few entire slides in the last six months and I don't make very many phone calls past midnight any more.

So where am I? I always stayed on top of work, I never let a fresh cut on my wrist interfere with the job at hand. I still work through migraines or stomach aches, I still go past my fears to do the task. I'm still damaged though! And I don't always do that much to help myself. I eat sugary foods and I still drink a bit so I fall down the spiral of my own accord. I try to exercise daily but it doesn't really go to plan daily. I've begun to open up to more than one person. I try to get out of the house more and with a bigger range of people and activities. It feels like I've gone down hill when I cried during the ads at the cinema but I don't need to wake anybody up at 3 am to make sure I don't die, I can do that all on my own.

That's all I have to tell you today. I want to remind you that even when it seems like you're so utterly broken, you've probably made some big improvements that you haven't even noticed.

Even the word hopeless has hope in it.

The Impulse Buy Approach to Life

Sometimes I act quite hastily. When I apply for courses or leave courses I've always just done it in a matter of hours. I don't sit around pondering the decisions I feel are right for me. That, in essence is  why I've never thought to call into question any of my self harming or suicide attempts. All of my deliberation throughout my life has been to consider others or to let others come to terms with decisions. When I have plotted suicide it has been because I felt somebody needed me for a period of time or somebody might have felt that they could have done more in a final moment, I don't want that for them. Likewise, when I planned my first tattoo, I allowed my parents to adjust to the thought for 6 months.My hesitations are always to the benefit of another, I am strong willed and I take what I want when it won't effect someone I love.

Impulse buying is easier when it's cheap. The ideal impulse is a packet of stickers, 77c for 5 potentially shiny or scratchy dinosaur stickers. I love these stickers. I like taking them out of the packet and organising them numerically - even lining them all up the same way. I go through my sticker album and find which ones I need and update my stickermanager account. Any spares automatically go to JJ and then what's left gets updated as a spare on the website. Something about the organisation of it with no time pressure is so enjoyable to me. I especially love postal trading with people I usually find under the twitter trend #gotgotneed. I pour over the sticker book every night before I sleep. I do this for me. The jokes and rolled eyes don't matter. I'm allowed to do something for me.

You see, kids don't worry about things the way we've learned to. Kids don't think "If I eat the strawberry yoghurt now there won't be one tomorrow", they eat the yoghurt that will make them happy - when did you stop doing that? When did you start walking or working out not because it would make you smile now but the aim to smile days or months from now? As much as we have to look up and acknowledge the future we need to see what's directly in front of us. We are not allowed to train for next years marathon with this months twisted ankle. Make yourself smile today. Do what's good for you now.

And most importantly, don't listen to what someone else thinks of your road to happiness. You get to find out how to smile without anyone else weighing in.

I love you, I love you, I love you.
Go find your stickers,
depressivedetails@gmail.com